We ask ourselves many difficult questions when making a birth plan. Who will go with the baby to the NICU if there are any complications? Who will we allow in the room with us during the birth? Will we ask them to leave for the pushing phase? What techniques are we willing to try to postpone or avoid using pain medications? These are just a few of the many, many choices we might have to make during childbirth, and anyone who has planned any big event knows how important it is to discuss our hopes about the event and devise contingency plans. One questions I do not think couples ask themselves-- particularly the partner/dad/husband-- is this: To watch or not to watch?
I am referring, of course, to the blessed event itself, the birth of the baby. Some partners assume they are going to want to see it all-- from the vaginal muscles flexing and fluid trickling out as mom begins the (many times) long and arduous job of pushing, all the way to the crowning and always dramatic emergence of the head and finally the body. Still others are content sitting at mom's head, not seeing any more than he or she has to. Unfortunately, many birth partners have not given much, if any, thought to how they will feel about their partner's body and sexuality after the fact. I would like to see expecting couples begin to include the partner's, as well as the mom's (mirrors are available almost everywhere, ladies!), preference for seeing the birth on their birth plan. As with every other aspect of the plan, this decision requires flexibility on both parts, as people change their minds as frequently as labors change their paths.
When discussing this option, I encourage birth partners-- particularly those who are going to be having sexual relations with the laboring mom within the next few weeks-- to consider their ability to separate emotional situations in their mind. Bryce has an uncanny ability to compartmentalize. Although he has seen me push out his two babies (one with considerable damage to my perineum), he is still raring-to-go when my lochia flow finally stops. In his mind, my body is his again, of only for the evening (or until the baby needs to nurse again). Not all partners/spouses can so easily think of the mother of their child as a sexual being again. It is hard enough for the mother to think of herself that way, so no relationship is helped if both partners have decided her body is not "fit" for sex after childbirth. I have heard countless women discuss their husband/partner's hesitation to disturb her genitals after seeing how they had to change to birth the baby. The precious "vagina" became a "birth canal" for a few hours, but two months later, some people still cannot think of it as a "vagina" again. One way to diminish this issue is to not watch the actual birth.
Not that I am opposed to partners or moms themselves watching the birth of their children. Quite the contrary-- I know it is a life-changing experience to see ANY baby take its first breath, especially when it is your baby. I simple suggest that we not assume that we (or our partner) will WANT to watch and incur no future emotional repercussions. Be open and honest about your gut-feelings, but be prepared to be flexible. Most importantly, talk about how the experience as a whole, including what you saw (or didn't see), heard, and felt have impacted your relationship, so you can continue to function as a couple. It IS possible to be good parents and still have a good sex life, whether you watched or not!