Simplicity.

A good friend of mine recently told me she has decided to drastically cut-back on her childrens' extra-curricular activites.  This woman, by all accounts, has a well-balanced life: her husband makes a good living working full-time, she works part-time at a job she enjoys, and her two young children, in addition to school, participate in a couple of activities.  This does not sound like an unreasonable amount of time spent outside the house, but still, she feels overwhelmed by it all.  As we discussed what our daily lives look like, I, too, realized how crazy my family's schedule is.  My dog spends so much time in his crate on a typical weekday (because we are out), I might as well be working full-time.

As the number of hours spent away from the house has increased on the past few months, I have watched my sanity slip-sliding away at a directly-proportionate pace.  I knew what was causing my moodiness and peculiar behavior, but each time I would consider reducing the number of activities my kids are enrolled in, I would think about Sydney's wide-range of interests, and her desire to try everything that looks interesting.  Ice skating?  Sure!!  Piano?  Of course!!  Lego club?  Why not?!  And Ivy is such a natural athelete and so musical, one of these days she is bound to find an activity that she will actually want to stick with for longer than two weeks.  We MUST keep trying, or she might never find her calling!  We did so many fun activites with the other girls, it is only fair we do some with Isadora, too, right?  I know many families who have fallen into the same trap; we are all crazed, trying to make it on-time to this lesson and that practice, arguing about homework and play time in the car (despite their love of their extracurriculars, both big girls complain routinely about not getting to go home after school and not having enough time to play), worrying about having nothing at home for dinner, making bedtime later and later until "adult" time consists of half-an-hour of chores after the kids are finally in bed before both parents flop like zombies on the couch and fall asleep.  Sound familiar?

I started to think, just because Sydney shows interest in, well... everything, is it really my responsibility to pay for her to try a class?  Even if it means she has three outside of school activites per week?  And if Ivy teaches herself songs on the piano and just might actually have perfect pitch, is it truly imperative that we get her in piano lessons NOW?  Other families having kids enrolled in multiple exciting, interesting activities at a time is no reason for me to do the same, right?  After all, parenting is not a competition (THAT is another whole discussion, isn't it??), and these other kids are no "better" than mine just because they can do more cartwheels or speak another language or program in C++, RIGHT??  AND-- is it part of my job duties, as a stay-at-home mom, to chauffer my family to so many locations every week, then complete the household chores, so the only time I get to sit down each day is in the driver's seat?  When I say that out loud or write it down, I get a sense of how truly ridiculous that expectation is!

My perceptive friend pointed out that almost every mom she knows is on some sort of anxiety medication.  Having been on various medications on-and-off since I was 15, I am a proponent of medicating when necessary.  The question is-- can it possibly be necessary that such a large proportion of an entire generation of mothers requires chemicals to support their lifestyle?  I am not personally aware of as many medicated mothers (I address mothers here, and not fathers, because I am a mother, and most of my close friends are mothers), but I do know that most of my friends require unhealthy amounts of caffiene just to get through their days.  It has become almost uncool to admit if you do NOT drink gallons of coffee, tea, or diet coke per day.  I am not proud to admit that I count myself in this group.  Every morning, after lunch, and increasingly, after dinner, I require at least one cup of coffee or my new favorite, chai spice mate tea.  Now, I do love the taste of good coffee (Caffe Vita, holla!!), but I would be lying if I said I enjoy decaf as much as regular.

The solution is simple-- if I want more free time for my family, I have to limit the number of activites the kids particiapte in, thereby limiting the number of hours we are REQUIRED to be out of the house.  My kids do not know it yet, but as soon as basketball is over, they will each get one activity at a time.  And, Bryce and I will choose said activity (of course, we will take their desires into consideration).  So far, it is looking like Sydney will continue with piano, and Ivy-- who is notorious for "really" wanting to do something, then losing interest two weeks in-- will do NOTHING.  Isadora will continue to play with the other kids and teachers at the gym childcare, and spend one morning per week at an in-home daycare while I volunteer in Sydney's class.  This summer, they will get to choose not three, not two, but ONE camp to attend, as well as swim lessons.  We will relax, take a family trip to visit grandparents, run the necessary errands, visit friends, play at the park and in our backyard, and generally BE LAZY. 

I know that for some of you, this kind of drastic reduction is less viable.  You with one or two or three kids, each of whom, if given a choice of only one lesson or sport, would choose a sport that requires one or two practices plus one game per week-- you will not have the option of this kind of freedom.  In fact, I am well aware that will likely be my case one day in the future.  I also know that some of you have families that genuinely thrive on your filled schedules, are truly happy and get along better, and feel generally fulfilled being busy.  But for now, that is not my situation.  My family (especially me) is not thriving on our busy schedule, and I can still choose, for the next few months, at least, to put the kabosh on the myriad activities my children seem to think are necessary for their happiness.  I can give my children, and myself, the freedom to come home directly after school and play for a little bit before starting dinner.  To take their time doing their short homework assignment instead of rushing, and to take OUR time getting them to bed at a reasonable hour. To enjoy each others company a little bit more by just... hanging out.

Although I know they will be dissapointed that there will be no ice skating or fencing in the spring, I am confident that the girls will recover quickly.  And I hope to recieve, in return, a little bit more peace in my life.  It is yet to be seen if I will acheive this peace; maybe I will feel bored or restless.  I know there will still be bickering and whining, but I will have the time to THINK about how I deal with these situations each day, instead of my normal rushed, off-the-cuff responses I give because we are too late for... whatever... for me to try to actually PARENT.  I will still drink coffe, but hopefully not as much or as often, and not because I "need" to.  I will still feel stressed, because parenting is FREAKING STRESSFUL, no matter how laid-back your lifestyle is.  Once we have had a long enough break, I have no doubt we will re-enter the "fast lane" again.  I only hope that when we do, I can find a balance that works for us at the time.  And if not, I hope I have someone to point out to me, once again, that living life one step away from your breaking point is NO way to live. 

 

Comments

[Tina]

Good for you!! The kids and I were just discussing activities for next year and how there needs to be a change. I'm starting to feel more like a bus driver and less like a mom ;-) I applaud you for standing up against the "norm" and I think your family will see great benefits from the time spent as family.
My kids are so much more creative, less stressed, better friends and happier in general when we spend a balanced amount of time at home as we do at outside activities.

[melissa S]

Fabulous blog entry! I fight the urge to put my kids in everything, too. I have limited mine (maybe I am that mom you talked about in the beginning? :) ) I am a "joiner" and so are both of my kids. We would be doing every activity under the sun, if we tried to keep up with the Jones'. A year or so ago we had a fabulous speaker at preschool talk about studies done with kids in sports at an early age. it was NOT a predictor of success at that stage at an older age. Playing at home with your kids was way more valuable in many, many ways. While I still feel guilty that my kids aren't in more activities sometimes, I know that there will be more time for that later, but I won't get a second chance at these precious early days. Love your blog-keep up the good work.