As much as I love my clients and feel strongly about the issues related to birth and early parenting, I have decided to quit my job. I think. The decision is one that would surely make Gloria Steinem cringe, because I am choosing to leave a job that is fulfilling, flexible, and important to the community because... wait for it... my family needs me to be home. GASP!! Try to contain yourselves, folks.
So many of my friends have expressed jealousy over my evenings-and-weekends-only, well-paying, non-childcare-requiring, fun job. As I weighed my options 63 times every freaking day, over the last, oh, 11 months, I kept wondering if I would be throwing away the perfect job. What happens if I never find another job that fits into my lifestyle as well? Over the months, however, I realized that my job does NOT actually fit that well into my current lifestyle! When I have to leave once or twice per week on an evening or weekend, and the girls have piano or swimming two other evenings (on top of homework and piano practice), and Bryce is out at least one evening and works one weekend day per week, that leaves us with an average of 16.4 minutes of family time per day. And we are a relatively low-activity family at this point-- we are only going to get busier.
My other concern was that I would lose my connection with the childbirth community that I am so involved in and passionate about. Then I remembered that I actually HATE controversy, and have always been uncomfortable with all of the conflict that is innate in the life of a childbirth professional. There is no right or wrong when it comes to childbirth and parenting (no matter what anyone tries to tell you!), which I believe is a wonderful thing. Mostly. Because we live in a society that breeds distrust in our bodies and our instincts, and we are taught to trust only the "numbers." And when people only know how to trust the "facts," accepting that the WHOLE ISSUE is one GIANT GREY AREA is nearly impossible for many adults. I am really tired of explaining why statistics in childbirth, while helpful to care providers, are mostly USELESS to expectant couples. This does not normally go over well. People want to know "what to do," and I cannot tell them that. I am a passionate, opinionated person who hates to see injustice of any kind. I would make a great activist if it weren't for the fact that, most of the time, I try to avoid conflict at all costs. Which leads me to my next issue...
Does quitting my job mean that I am less passionate about birth issues than I once was? The answer is, well, yes. The further away I get from giving birth, the less I feel the need to share my experience and stories with others. Don't misunderstand-- I still want very badly to see providers practice evidence-based care, and I want to see our society honor pregnancy and birth as powerful and life-affirming instead of scary and something to "get over with". After all, I do have three daughters whom I would very much like to NOT be terrified of birth, as so many women and men in our culture are today. And OF COURSE I will NEVER stop telling anyone who wants to hear about my own birth experiences! But my desire to do this in a classroom setting within a hospital has waned. That creeping apathy, combined with the changes at home, is what eventually led me to make this choice.
As I have bounced all of my options around in my head, I have realized just how fortunate I am to even be able to consider quitting. So many people work at unrewarding, not fun, physically and mentally demanding jobs that they do not like AT ALL, and cannot leave because of their financial situation. I, on the other hand, can CHOOSE whether to stay home or work outside the home part-time or even full-time. This process has illuminated for me just how fortunate I am. As much as I might complain about certain aspects of my daily life, I really am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lucky to have a smart, successful, supportive, hard-working husband who makes all of these choices possible for me.
After examining my job and my life, I did what I am always telling my clients to do-- I weighed the pros and cons of the issue, and have gone with the option that makes sense. A year ago, I would never have imagined that I would be taking this road in my life. But over the past year, changes have been made in our classes at the hospital; changes that have made my classes less enjoyable for me to teach. Ultimately, I have become frustrated with the hospital to the extent that I am exhausted. I am not a person who can tolerate feeling helpless for an extended period of time, and I recently reached my breaking point. This, however, is only one factor in my decision.
What is comes down to is this: I simply cannot justify leaving my family, most of whom I miss because they have been away all day, for something that I do not totally, completely love. It is just not worth it.
Since making this decision, walking into the hospital has become physically painful for me. It is a place that I have a deep emotional attachment to: two of my babies were born there, and I feel like I grew up there, both professionally and personally. I have had to remind myself (and be reminded by some good friends) that the hospital is not going anywhere, and neither am I. I have an open invitation to return, either as an employee or a guest (no, I will not be having another baby just to stay "connected" to the hospital, for anyone who might want to suggest that to me).
Will I maintain my certification? Will I try to teach elsewhere (maybe as a private educator)? Will I pursue another aspect of parenting education? We will have to see. Maybe I will write the next "Fancy Nancy" and become a beloved children's author. Maybe I will go back to school to get an advanced degree and REALLY put my family to the test. Or, maybe I will be a high school math teacher. "Mrs. Baril, I don't see how the birth of your first child has anything to do with geometric proofs..."
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