the birthologist

Reflections on my Last First Birthday.

My baby is turning one next week.  In fact, today is one year and two days past my due date (she was born nine days late).  I cannot quite wrap my brain around the fact that an entire year has passed since I was pregnant with Isadora.  So much has changed in that year; Isadora has grown from a floppy, grunty baby into an interactive, social toddler, but I still feel like I was JUST pregnant.  I have never dreaded a birthday so much in my entire life-- not Sydney's first, not Ivy's first, not even my 30th.  Just the thought of July 6th makes my blood pressure rise and a lump appear in my throat; I cannot say it out loud without crying.

Yesterday, I passed a mirror while I was wearing a sleeping Isadora on my front.  I was struck by how non-baby-like she appeared as she hung there.  Gone are the round, chubby, roly-poly limbs that snap back into fetal position because they have not yet forgotten the womb.  In their place, now, are the long, lean limbs of an active toddler.  I suppose my sadness is at least in part because she is most likely our last child.  As I have written before, I am excited to move forward to the next, non-baby phase of our life, but I am sad that I will never give birth or have an "infant" again.  Infants are awesome and crazy and exciting and fun.  I may not be religious, but I recognize a miracle when I see one.  This, however, is not so much about having more babies, what bothers me is more is that the ones I already have are growing too fast.

I feel all my girls' childhoods slipping away faster than I can keep-up with.  Sydney is a tall, lanky 6 1/2-going-on-14-year-old.  She goes to school all day long and doesn't know why she thinks its funny to hold hands with boys.  Wasn't it last week that I weaned her?  Ivy is fiercely independent, and will only snuggle with me on her schedule.  From both of them, I get a limp "lean" if I ask for a hug at the wrong time.  And Isadora, oh, my darling babe, she is clever and funny and snuggly and dear and I love her just the way she is.  Even at their worst, my three girls are still the best.  But now Isadora's one??  What happened?  I was JUST getting married and starting this whole baby thing.  How can it be over already?  It is too much for me. 

I have recognized the speed at which my children are growing for many years now.  In response, I do try to "cherish every moment," as they say.  I stop several times per day to concentrate on what each of my children look like, what their mannerisms are, what their voices sound like, even what they smell like (normally sunscreen and Goldfish).  I take it all in, with all my senses, trying to somehow preserve this precious time is my mind so the memories are less likely to fade like I know they will.  I remind myself that this time is fleeting, and even the tough, trying moments will have a rosy glow in my mind a few years from now.  Time is speeding by, nonetheless, leaving me in an angry, sad stupor.

On top of all that, Isadora's first birthday signifies the end of our baby days, and that makes me old.  Thirty and forty are young when you have not started a family yet, or are just getting started.  But now that I am thirty and I am done having kids, I feel OLD.  No matter what a person's age is, when you're done with the baby-making, you are old.  Old, old, old. I did not realize I felt this way until recently.

So, instead of having a crisis about my thirtieth birthday, I am having one about Isadora's first. 

The Birth Survey, Part II.

I just revisited The Birth Survey and found that results are available for Seattle and Portland area providers and facilities.  Yay!  However, I also noticed that we still need many more participants (especially in Portland) to provide a dependable and well-rounded look at each subject. 

If you have had a baby in the past three years, please, please, PLEASE complete the survey!  All prospective parents in your area thank you, as do all proponents of transparency in maternity care.

It takes a... Playgroup?

The first two years we lived in the Seattle area we spent calculating a way to move back to Portland.  Alas, Bryce is a software engineer, and Seattle is the place to be, so we did our best to make a home here; our first step was buying a house when I was about six months pregnant with Sydney.  My sister and some good friends moved here also, which improved our lives, but I knew that they wanted to move back to Portland, too, so I was still holding out hope that a miracle might occur.  After Sydney was born, I was so fortunate to have my sister and newborn niece close-by, but I still spent many days alone in the house, in my PJ's, with a nursing baby just waiting for Bryce to get home.  Finally, one day, I looked down at my corner of the couch (my "nursing nest") and saw a Homer-Simpson-like indentation where my rear-end had been sitting for almost five weeks straight, and I decided it was time to get out.

My chosen outing was to the Parent/Baby classes advertised at the hospital I delivered at (the hospital I now teach Childbirth classes at) because I felt I could arrive almost on time, it was free, and I could wear comfy clothes.  That day changed my life in more ways than I ever could have imagined.  In those classes, I found an environment where I was not only totally accepted, but I felt NORMAL, and that my baby was normal, too!  Any first-time parent will tell you about the doubts and guilt that fill their minds in those first few weeks and months-- Is my baby healthy?  Am I a good parent?  Am I doing this or that "right"?  Why does my baby have a rash all over her body?  Why am I still bleeding?  Why does sex still hurt?  Why do I cry so much?  Will I ever feel like myself again?  Will I ever brush my teeth twice a day again?  I could go on forever.  All of these questions, and thousands more, were asked-- and answered in gentle, non-judgmental ways that empowered all of us Mommies (and a few Daddies along the way!).  I had found a community full of all types of parents-- from devoted attachment parents to parents who had their baby cry-it-out, and everywhere in between.  This community helped me not only survive the first year of Sydney's life, but enriched that year, and my life until now.  I know that Bryce appreciated my new support-system as well. 

That is just the cake-- the icing is that many of these women, and their kids, of course, are still in our lives.  Babies that I watched roll around my living room at my old house are now playing Star Wars with Sydney, and their younger siblings are playing with Ivy and Isadora.  We now feel our roots are firmly planted here, and we see no reason ever to leave.  I did not really allow myself to begin the process of planting those roots until I found the Parent/Baby classes and made friends who could share my parenting journey with me.  Our kids do not all still play together, and I do not expect the ones that continue to be friends now will necessarily be close forever.  Their moms, though, are MY friends.  We not only have common interests, but a shared history of being with each other through the most precious time in our lives-- the babyhood and early childhood of our children.  These are the women I turn to when I need advice on just about anything, or a babysitter, or to borrow a ladder, a car or a pack-and-play, and when I just feel like talking.  These are the women who, along with two other very close friends and my sisters, will be at graduation parties and weddings, saying "Remember when?..." 

I cherish these friendships with the perspective of someone who has no one like that in her life, besides family.  I moved a lot as a child, so the children and adults that I knew before we settled in Portland when I was 13 are long-gone.  I have no adults in my life, other than my father, who "knew me when," and spent enough time with me as a young child or baby to be able to tell the funny stories about me that my friends will have about my kids.  The idea that my kids will graduate with other kids they have known since early childhood, or even since they were babies, boggles my mind.  

The importance of finding a community when you are new parents cannot be over-emphasized.  Even those lucky enough to be surrounded by lots of family and old friends benefit from interacting with a group of people who are going through the exact same stage of life as you.  If you can find a class led by an early parenting expert, that's even better!  If your local hospital does not offer anything, please try these organizations: MOPS, Peps or Mommy-and-me.  Many options are out there, you just need to look.  Any amount of work you do to find a community to belong to will be worth it!

What comes next?

When I was out with my children the other day I saw a pregnant woman.  I see pregnant women a lot, given my line of work, but something about this time was different.  The woman was young, fit and smiling; she did not appear uncomfortable in the least.  For some reason, though, I thought, "I am so glad I don't have to do that again!"  I was immediately taken aback by this thought, as I normally view pregnancy and childbirth with sad nostalgia, remembering only the fun, precious and miraculous aspects.  For the past nine-or-so years, I have been either pregnant or wishing I were pregnant, so negative feelings about childbearing (absent any varicose veins or nausea) are foreign to me.

This topic has been on my mind a lot recently, because I cannot decide if I want more children.  More accurately, I cannot decide if I SHOULD want more children or not.  Both Bryce and I are almost certain we are done, that three healthy girls is great (we have plenty of people in the house without it being too overwhelming) and we don't want to push our luck.   Note that I said we are "almost" certain.  For most people, that would be an acceptable way to live, being "pretty sure" they don't want more.  But I am a incurable planner, constantly thinking to the future, so it is difficult for me to live with "probably."  I work better with "yes" or "no."  In addition, I have trouble with the concept of "never again," especially for something as wonderful as childbirth, babies and kids in general.

Don't get me wrong, I have not forgotten the drawbacks of pregnancy and newborns; Isadora is, after all, only nine months old!  Even in the thick of it, I can still sometimes envision life with one more, and it scares me to think about being done.  Forever.  NO MORE BABIES.  Ever.  On the other hand, I am also scared of all of the unknowns that come along with pregnancy-- what if its twins?   What if the baby is unhealthy?  What if I have traumatic labor?  Add that to the anxiety I feel about about protecting the kids I already have, and trying again seems almost inconceivable.  We have a trio of beautiful, reasonably healthy, demanding girls, and any more would be too much.  We are ready, I think, to move to the next phase of our life.  Whatever that is.

I suppose that "next phase" includes sleeping more than 3 hours continuously, and spending alone time with Bryce without having to pay a sitter, and taking trips on actual airplanes, and having a clean(er) house, and writing my blog without a baby on my lap (I am a talented multi-tasker).  And going to the bathroom all alone.  Sounds pretty blissful when I really think about it.  But babies are bliss-inducing, too.  Right? 

My questions, for those who have come to a final, definitive, stop to their procreating, is do you ever stop wondering about what would have been?  Even on those days when your kids make sure to remind you, over and over, that you have much more responsibility than you can handle, and you are longing for just a few minutes of peace, how do you reconcile that you will never again experience the anticipation and joy of bringing a new person into your family?  Does that finality scare you?  Maybe it's not scary because with each passing moment, you are one step closer to freedom, one step closer to having a life beyond children.  Is this alleged life as great as it sounds?  Will I wish I could go back?

 

Parenting advice from Bryce.

My husband wrote a nice blog post tonight about an issue we have had with our oldest, Sydney.  I liked it so much, I thought a few of my readers would appreciate a non-childbirth related story.  Please go to brycebaril.com.

Lansinoh--not just for nipples!!

I have a new favorite all-purpose product-- Lansinoh nipple ointment.  Many experienced mothers will recognize the name if this product, and the purple tube it comes in, from the first few days or weeks of breastfeeding.  Lansinoh is 100% pure lanolin made for new breastfeeding mothers; it helps keep the nipples moist, reduces cracking and bleeding, and generally helps make the whole process of learning to breastfeed as comfortable as possible.  Imagine very thick, gooey petroleum jelly.  Lansinoh costs about $9-$10 per tube, and one tube will last you a LONG time.  That is, if you only use it for its originally intended purpose...

My feet have always been very dry, and during the winter especially, they are sometimes painful.  I was lamenting my poor feet (and my inability, for many reasons, to get pedicures often enough) one evening last week, and rummaging through the bathroom "junk drawer" when I noticed my two old purple tubes.  Why not? I thought-- it this can help sore nipples, it can't hurt to try it on sore feet.  I applied the Lansinoh to my feet in the morning and at night, and immediately put socks on.  Four days later, my feet are softer than I can EVER remember them being!  I can play footsie with my husband in bed and not worry about injuring him!  I decided to also try this miracle-goo on my daughter's dry lips.  She didn't like the way it felt on her ("too sticky"), but even after rubbing some of it off, her lips were noticeably healthier just the next day. 

After this revelation, I read the tube, and the makers do have a section in the directions called "Beyond Breastfeeding," but I do not believe this tiny blurb does justice to the true worth of the product!  Every family in America should have a tube of Lansinoh in their medicine cabinet.  By the way-- nobody paid me, or even asked me, to write this.  When I find a product that I LOVE, especially one that is lesser-known, I feel moved to share my experience.  If I can help just one person's feet, or lips, or nipples...

The Birth Survey.

One thing that so many women lament late in their pregnancies and/or after giving birth for the first time is that they did not choose the right care provider.  How is anyone expected to make that choice with so little information available?  Many of us choose our care providers based purely on insurance coverage and location, which is absurd, considering how different each hospital, birth center, group and individual care provider is. 

The Birth Survey aims to alleviate this dilemma (among other goals-- visit the site for a look at all of the goals and objectives).  Experienced mothers visit the site and complete a detailed survey regarding their care during their pregnancy, labor and birth.  They evaluate all care providers and facilities involved in the process by answering multiple-choice questions as well as adding personal comments.  The result-- a comprehensive look at satisfaction rates at all your local birthing facilities, with all your local providers.  But only if enough women take the survey!  Currently, information is only available for the New York area, but anyone can take the survey, and information will be available soon for other areas.

So, PLEASE GO TO WWW.THEBIRTHSURVEY.COM AND COMPLETE THE SURVEY!!!  The only way to achieve true transparency in maternity care is for women to honestly and openly share their experiences.  Help future birthing mothers make informed decisions about their care.

What Not to Watch.

I was listening to my favorite podcast the other day, and the guest was a man who used to work on a couple of popular cable shows that depict birth stories.  You know the ones I am talking about-- many of you probably have these shows, or shows like them, set to record on your DVR right now!  I have always maintained that viewing these shows is a bad habit for pregnant moms, particularly first-timers or experienced moms who have had previous negative experiences.  This male guest, who has firsthand experience with the behind-the-scenes, provided verbal proof of my intuitions.

His wife is pregnant with their first child, so he recently unearthed some old tapes of his shows for her.  As they watched together, he pointed out what was REALLY going on in each scene.  The example he used was so simple, but so demonstrative of why these shows are poisonous for the morale of pregnant women.  He said that when you see a doctor or midwife running down the hallway of the hospital, they are NEVER really running!  It may seem like no big deal at first, but this one trick the producers use exemplifies the goal of these shows-- to sensationalize birth.  To turn every single labor and birth they record into something viewers cannot take their eyes off of.  And who wants to watch a normal, healthy, complication- and intervention-free birth?  According to the ratings, no one does.

I guarantee you, when you speak with your care provider during your labor about a serious subject, no scary music will be playing in the background.  He or she will not pause dramatically before revealing an opinion.  No bright red stopwatch will be placed in your room to count down, with very loud beeps, how long you have been in labor.  It will be nothing like what you see on TV!  Those births may be portrayed as "real," and may even look real, but they are NOT real.  They are produced, edited, and orchestrated 22 minute snippets of what a high-intervention birth might look like. 

My advice to all pregnant women-- stop watching other people's birth stories and start positively visualizing your own.

A Good Childbirth Class is NOT Hard to Find.

Believe it or not, many childbirth class options are available to expectant parents nowadays.  When I was pregnant with my first, I did no research at all before registering for a class.  I simply called the hospital I was delivering at and signed-up for their "package deal."  Fortunately for me, these classes worked well for my husband and I (so well, in fact, that I have been teaching these very same classes for over five years now!).  Not every class is made to suit the needs of every couple, though, and you should be aware of your options before putting your faith in the first program that you are introduced to.
I know what you're thinking, reader--  "It's not fair! I do not live in the Seattle area, so the birthologist cannot be my childbirth class instructor!"  Never fear, I have done some research on your behalf, and I believe that you can find a great class in your area that will not only answer all of your questions about birth, but will leave you feeling empowered and ready to take-on the awesome challenge that is childbirth.
The best place to start when looking for a class, whether you are looking for a class for new or experienced parents, is the location you are choosing to deliver.  If you are delivering at a hospital, chances are, a "Birth Basics" series is available that will educate you on the basics of childbirth in general, as well as the specifics of what you can expect at that place of delivery.  If you are delivering at a free-standing birth center or at home, your group of midwives likely has a similar series they recommend, that is aimed more at an unmedicated birth because the majority of the couples attending the class are delivering where medication is not available.  These classes are almost always available to anyone who is interested, not just to current patients, so feel free to research all your local hospitals and birth centers before registering for one series. If you have the time to call the program coordinator to ask for a more specific class overview, who the instructors are (and who certified them), and what the program philosophy is, you are more likely to find a class that feels right for you.  While it can be helpful to take the class provided by your hospital or birth center in order to get a well-rounded idea of what to expect during delivery at that location, by no means are you bound to do so.  For many couples, taking a basic series is sufficient, with no supplementation necessary.  If that is you, you can stop reading now!
If you need to be more prepared, specifically if you have a lot of anxiety about the birth and/or you are planning on an unmedicated birth, I have three more resources for you to look into.  The Bradley Method is aimed at a husband-coached, natural childbirth.  To find a Bradley certified instructor in your area, you can visit www.bradleybirth.com.  
Hypnobirthing is another popular option, which involves relaxation through self-hypnosis.  Multiple hypnobirthing options are available; a good place to start is www.hypnobirthing.com.
Finally, you can look into good, old Lamaze classes.  Ask your parents-- if they took a class while pregnant with you, chances are good it was a Lamaze class!  Lamaze is a childbirth method involving specific breathing patterns, relaxation and continuous support, that was introduced in the 1950's.   You can find more information at www.lamaze.org.
As an educator, my goal is always to answer all of my clients' questions, and to leave them feeling ready to jump into the great unknown of childbearing.  If you have attended a class, and still feel unprepared, please realize that you are not alone.  We all feel anxious about giving birth, no matter how educated we are or how many times we've done it.  The best you can do is to continue asking questions-- of your care provider, your childbirth educator, your nurse, even me-- all the way through the rest of your pregnancy and your labor. 

Why choose a doula?

Why choose a doula? Because it is important to you to have someone present at your birth who has only YOUR best wishes in mind. You want that same someone to know your fears, goals and motivation in great detail. You also want that someone to understand how your place of birth (hospital, birth center, home) works and how to make it work best for you. You want them to be educated in the physiology and anatomy of a normal, uncomplicated birth, how to possibly avoid unnecessary interventions, and also how to cope with any interventions that are necessary. You choose a doula because you want her either to BE your birth partner because you do not have one, or you want her to assist the birth partner you do have (your birth partner chooses a doula because he or she knows that restroom breaks are inevitable!). You choose a doula because you want another birth professional besides your doctor or midwife to call with questions during your pregnancy and early postpartum stage. You want someone to give you unbiased, reasonable, evidence-based advice while keeping your family's values in mind. You choose a doula because you want to have the most empowering birth experience possible.

For more information, or to find a doula in your area, visit www.dona.org. If you are in the Puget Sound area of Washington State, you can also visit www.pals-doulas.org.